A Night in L.A.

Doug. So do you remember the last time you were in this car Billy?

Billy. I don’t remember a lot from that week. Let’s just hope this doesn’t come full-circle.

Doug is of course referring to Billy’s last stay in L.A., wherein Billy, being too intoxicated, spent an evening meant for a pleasant dinner at an upscale L.A. restaurant puking in Doug’s car– right into the AC vents.

Doug. On a hot summer day I can still smell Billy. Just so you know, because I’m an old gay man, I’m going to be exaggerating this story to all my friends tonight.

Billy. Can you believe that was three years ago?

Doug. Shut up. God I’m old.  

We arrived in L.A. and were promptly immersed into the welcoming and sincere gay community that swirls around our two L.A. gay supremes: Doug and Vince. The following are a few snippets from that night. Some names have been changed, but the dialogue is as accurate as I can remember.  

Doug. Vince, do you know what these boys are doing?

Vince. Traveling for a little bit, right?

Doug. They’re going to be traveling for a year!

Vince. Fuck a duck!

Enter Bob, bringing his little dog, Tipsy, in tow. Tipsy tries to steal a sip of Vince’s La Croix.

Vince. No you little bitch!

Upon discovering our travel plans, Bob proceeded to inform us about the time he hooked up with an Indian prince on Grindr, and offered to try and make arrangements for us to stay in said Indian prince’s palace.

Mason. Wait so you guys are a couple right?

Billy and Elliott. No, no, nope.

Mason. *Exchanges smirk with his partner* Look it’s all fine as long as you don’t kiss.

Vince. Oh shut up you whore!

Mason. It’s fine, I know that sometimes you just gotta help get your boys off.

Vince. You sluts, stop it!

Mason. Let me tell you, ass feels better than pussy.

Mark and Andy have just adopted a son. He’s nine-months old now and rolling himself across the carpet.  

Mark. I never expected the process to go so quickly. I was prepared for years of slogging and waiting, but our surrogate mother chose us so quickly and now here we are with a nine-month-old.

Billy. She must have seen something in you two.

Mark. We had to make these brochure type things advertising our family. It’s quite a common thing in the adoption world now-a-days. So Andy and I tried to make ours as real as possible—warts and all. I think it was the realness of us that made us stand out.

Billy. The realness?

Mark. So many other “brochures” would open up with something like “We know what you’re going through and we know how hard this is,” and it’s all so fake. Andy and I have no idea what an expecting mother endures, especially one who knows she can’t keep her child for whatever reason.

Billy and I are extremely grateful for the stories, laughs, and motherly bits of advice we received that weekend … and the expensive L.A. meals. Thanks again Doug and Vince, we owe you guys a nice bottle of Maker’s Mark.

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